Dissociation: Memory Loss

Content warning: child abuse.

I have a whole lot of memories that are deleted from my brain.

When I’m using examples from my past I know for a fact those things did occur. They have been confirmed by others when I’m in doubt.

The memory loss falls in the range of my childhood to adolescence. It happened because my childhood was rough and abusive. There’s a lot of blank spots where I dissociated, even during the few years after the abuse. Dealing with trauma, you get the picture.

Some memories of abuse are crystal clear moments that I would give anything to be false. Some moments were told to me later by people who witnessed it…that I don’t remember at all.

It took me a long time to piece together when my OCD kicked in. It was during this time, so I pinpointed it at the earliest real memory of a symptom. If abuse is the trigger then there’s a whole lot of other stuff that needs to be considered with the OCD. It’s like unpacking a suitcase of disorders. What I can say is that things did get easier when I realized that abuse is the root cause of a lot of things going on in my brain.

Either way, the OCD was going to appear at some point in my life. Maybe it’s a good thing it appeared early, since I don’t have a comparison of what it’s like to be without it.